Maldives becomes first nation in the world to be privatised

Originally published 2nd April, 2014. 

Following recent orders by former Supreme Leader and current CEO Yameen Abdul Gayoom, the beautifully luxuriously exclusive dazzling remarkable tropical island nation has officially been rebranded as Maldives PVT LTD (formerly the Republic of the Maldives).

Yameen stated that this is the “most efficient” way and that his decision was backed up by 30 years of solid research by his older brother and despot extraordinaire Maumoon Abdul Gayoom and his team of Mafioso gangsters neoliberal economists.

He stated that a new constitution was in the works which would redefine citizens as drones employees. The handy manual would detail the terms of employment and would also feature a 4503 page supplementary package (in a suitably miniscule and hard to read Dhivehi font) outlining how every minute of every hour of every day is to be spent for the rest of the unit’s person’s life. The terms he said, would be non-negotiable and immediately binding to all current and future citizens.

“You could have chosen just not to be born here!”, said a friendly pickup truck as it went on its hourly loop around the island assaulting massaging the ears of the populace.

The peoples Majlis, thorn in the side of every efficient economist and despot, would be dissolved completely. To fill the insatiable void in public entertainment this will create, a giant mountain will be constructed on Hulhumale’, on the top of which will be a gold plated (for efficiency!) pyramidal palace. Inside, the top 13 resort owners would discuss pressing issues via the time tested tradition of snorting coke off the navels focused contemplation with only the finest Western European hookers KLFA certified oracles.

In order to make matters as transparent to the public as possible, proceedings will be broadcast in full 4K cinema resolution but will only be available via a special 4G package supplied by the newly formed DHIPOOGERU. Rates are estimated to be at MRF4999 per MB (before taxes and for the first 10MB) for the basic PlatinumFuraalhu package.  

When asked via twitter if he thought that the rates were reasonable enough to be affordable for the average Maldivian, Yameen responded to our inquiry with “DyL wit iT. #thugforlife #mvthugs #icanaffordthatshitwhycantyou? #glamorous #thingsdictatorssay #annisucks”.

“We OWN YOU!”, said Yameen Maumoon at a recent rally where 11 recently convicted political dissidents homosexual-Jewish-drugdealing-heroinaddict-atheist-murderers were beheaded in broad daylight for the crimes against the state. The general public and most news agencies, including us, are baffled as to the true meaning of this cryptic message.

“I wasn’t really paying attention but I think he said he loves our country. We need more people like him! If I’d known he was killing all those people I would have turned up to watch earlier! It’s only by killing as many people as possible can we stop people from killing people! Drug dealers, murderers, homosexuals, heroin addicts, not to mention those goddamn Jews and atheists! And you know what?! My cousin told me those guys were all 6 of those things! And you know what 6 means! Don’t get me started on…” said CykeyDiRomeo, a recently deceased local stuntman who had slowly driven past the rally on his motorbike; only to crash down the road minutes later.  Witnesses report that the accident, in which 23 people were hospitalised, was due to a tactical error made by DiRomeo that occurred while attempting to simultaneously drive and enthusiastically discuss with 18 other men on separate motorbikes exactly where to have coffee that evening.  Hilarious video footage of the incident will not be available on the internet as, per the new employee regulations, uploads by non-authorised personal are strictly prohibited. 

Amouldy T. Sandwich reporting for Mendhan News 

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Yameen to rename all things Yameen.

Photo Source

In a move that would make the great Admiral General Aladeen proud, current President and newly instated Dictator of the Maldives Yameen Abdul Gayoom, has declared that everything in the island nation is to be named after himself.

Effective from the 1st of January 2014, everything in the Maldives will be called Yameen.

He explained during his weekly address that the move would eliminate all poverty, crime, drug abuse and malnutrition from all manner of communities throughout the kingdom. He said that it would even stop all molestations and rapes and would most certainly increase crop yields throughout the atolls and make the tuna catch more bountiful from all the seas.

Furthermore he said that it would cure everyone, young and old (except the infidels & Bangladeshis), of all their ailments while simultaneously quadrupling tourist arrivals and grade point averages.

The untold strife caused by political drama and favouritism would be entirely eliminated, with everyone peacefully getting along as everyone would naturally then belong to the same party.

The bones and minds of prisoners & families broken under his brother’s similarly joyful regime would be magically healed, leaving behind a feeling government mullahs are tentatively calling BlissTM.

He said that the utterly genius plan would usher in a new era of freedom of speech, human rights and democracy; greatly enriching the lives of the fishermen and resort workers by allowing his family and foreign investors to happily keep exploiting the nations lifeblood for many a generation to come.

“Umar gave me the idea; he said he saw it in some movie. It’s going to be great!”, the President remarked excitedly during one interview. “These people are so stupid my name is all they need to know for the next 30 or so odd years anyways. It’s going to push productivity through the roof! Do I look like I give a ****? Dolla dolla bills ya’ll!”

The President’s Office later released a statement informing the media that everyone present had misheard the word “stupid”; due to either faulty air-conditioning in the meeting hall or a Zionist conspiracy, and that what the Great Leader actually meant that it was only Dhivehin who would be smart enough to communicate using only one word.

It further elaborated that such a broad sense of natural harmony and unity in the nation could only be possible if the name change was imposed and maintained by force.

“If everyone says the same thing how could there possibly be any arguments, or hatred or violence? There will only be peace under the one mighty name. Once the law has passed, we will have zero tolerance towards peoples who would dare to disrupt the delicate homogeneity of society by uttering names other than Yameen. Since our citizens deserve the very best, Special Operations is already on standby with canisters of the finest Singaporean teargas. ”, the statement read.

 “Freedom and democracy is what it’s all about! We will have free and fair elections at the end of my term no doubt. My name’s Yameen na’mean? Power to the people ya’ll!”, the President said recently while emceeing at an extravagant ceremony where top military, police and election officials were given  raises and their own private islands for their “continued & steadfast courage in demonstrating their loyalty to the nation”.

The President also commented that the move would only be temporary, saying that the new law would have a clause stating that the winner of the next election would be given the power change things back to normal if they wished.

Officials have yet to respond to queries on how an election would be held if all the names on the ballot had to read “Yameen”.

By Amouldy T. Sandwich reporting for Mendhan News 

Originally published December 28th 2013